‘Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2

That's Paul Blart (Kevin James) worrying about someone biting into an old brown banana in "Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2." He could be talking about this atrocious movie, which is the cinematic equivalent of biting into an old brown banana.

It wouldn't be hard to be at least a little better than 2009's first "Blart," a very dumb but financially successful comedy for the former "King of Queens" star. But being worse? That's a real accomplishment.

Dumped by his girlfriend after six days of marriage, and stunned by his mom being killed by a truck, we find Blart is need of a vacation. So he and his college-bound daughter Maya (Raini Rodriguez) leave Jersey and head to a "Security Officers Training Association" convention in a Wynn casino and hotel in Las Vegas.

It's there that the entire rest of the movie takes place, inside basically an hour-and-a-half commercial for Wynn. If you're hoping for some Vegas atmosphere, or maybe even a street scene, don't look for it here.

You also shouldn't look for wit, fun or any inventive slapstick. As Maya flirts with a hotel employee and frets about leaving her dad - who's still employed by the West Orange Pavilion Mall - for UCLA, Blart meets up with old pals and stumbles upon a heist of art from the hotel.

For the first hour, the big jokes are Blart scooting around on a Segway and Blart wearing a flowered shirt and cargo shorts. If that's not side-splitting for you, then you likely won't enjoy Blart asking an all-midget KISS tribute band fit they played "Beth."

If, however, you think that's all comedy gold, wait until you see Blart scuttling across the floor on his side or popping up in the middle of a Cirque du Soleil-like water show wearing wings. Stop, you're killing me.

James' everyman appeal is stretched to the limits here, like that polyester shirt he wears. Always willing to try a silly dance or pratfall, the comic actor's enthusiasm winds up making us sad instead of buoyant. He's jumping around, fighting a bird and hopping around for this?

James’ sequel may actually be worse than the 2009 comedy hit, says our critic.
There is one small smirk-inducing line, as Blart and the lead art thief (Ray Liotta look-alike Neal McDonough) exchange ever-more-ridiculous threats.

"I will bring a folk guitar to a pumpkin fight, because that's how crazy I am!" screams Blart.

Look, I said it was a small smirk. In a film as eye-searingly idiotic as "Paul Blart; Mall Cop 2," that's like finding a steak in a field of brown bananas.